in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
