32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
