i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
