Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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