I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
