I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
