I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
