I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize