Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
