Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
