Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
