your thong is hanging out like whoa
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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