I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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