The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
