Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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