best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize