I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
