the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
