I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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