TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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