from now on my penis is your penis
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
