Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Randomize
