walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize