he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
