mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize