my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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