tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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