she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
