You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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