my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
