Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
