Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
