I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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