im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
