Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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