he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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