I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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