My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
