When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
