I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
