All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
