someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
