Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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