I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
