she looked like the before picture.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When are your genitals available?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
