I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize