bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Less talking, more tequila
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
