dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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