u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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