I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
