i will never coherently bang her
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize