before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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