I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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