Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Randomize
