You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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