she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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