I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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